A few people on the Internet may have tried to pick holes in the epic space adventure film, Prometheus. Which is terribly unkind and shortsighted. What these people have failed to appreciate is that in this modern digital age, it is entirely possible to bung out You Tube videos and add extras onto DVDs that make everything alright, like the updates and patches used to fix buggy software.
In fact, I was one if those people, wasn’t I? Ranting on about it here and here, like some sort of doofus. But I didn’t buy the super-duper multi-disc Blu-ray with the alternate ending or beginning. I haven’t downloaded the app that gives a directors commentary from your phone. (And apologises, I assume: “Sorry about this bit… And this bit… Oh dear.”) I, stupidly, expected a film to be self contained. What a donkey. (But then I prefer the original Blade Runner with the Harrison Ford narration, so what do I know?)
So, to make amends, I have come up with some suggestions for future re-edits and special editions. All of which are based on awful puns:
Rewrite Prometheus as a buddy movie. Two archeologists team up to share a spacecraft on an interstellar road trip. One is hilariously obnoxious, loud and brash… What a buffoon! The other is timid and shy. See these two misfits try to unravel the mystery of being… With hilarious consequences! Questions will be answered. With hilarious answers! Then one gets infected with goo and the other gives birth to a squid.
Remake Prometheus with the Simpsons. Homer and Marge are archaeologists. The wavy tentacle guys are the engineers. I’m sure it’ll be in a future “Treehouse of Horror” episode. Maybe it already is.
Remake the film using baked goods. This croissant could serve as the perfect Big’un ship:
Morph is an archeologist. Chas Is a giant white aggressive alien. Tony Hart is a BIG SPOOKY SKULL HEAD ALIEN.
They capture the squid thing and open a sushi bar.
Prometheus hosted by Graham Norton
Prometheus as Children’s rhyme:
Row, row, row Prometheus,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily,
Life is but an experiment by big white alien dudes who hate us.
Meet Joe Metheus
The god Prometheus comes to earth in the mortal form of Brad Pitt
Baby, I blew up Prometheus.
Glow in the dark films. Would revolutionise cinema, replacing 3D. Ludicrous? Er. Well, yes.
Bring out the Christmas / Space-Jesus inference by digitally enhance all the space scenes with space snow. And sleighbells.
As above. But perhaps it was not Space-Jesus being inferred at! Maybe it was Space-Santa. It could be the most Christmasy film since Die Hard!
Prometheus with Avid Merion. Actually that would be even more annoying. Yeesh.