Rory contemplating rice

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Well. It’s all over. And wasn’t it fantastic! The latest season (or “series”) of Doctor Who has come to it’s spectacular conclusion. And so now is a good time to take a breather, remember the good times and reflect on the predictions or “spoilers” I revealed on twitter in the run up to the series.

It’s amazing how utterly accurate they were! But then I have a very confidential source on set. I could’t possibly divulge my contact. I have to keep it under my HAT. Or it would ruin the MYTH.

HAT. MYTH.

Hat Myth?

But enough of my waffling. Let’s dive in!

SPOILER: New series of Doctor Who to feature attack by the Cybermeh – sedentary cyborgs who can’t be arsed. The Doctor wins. Easily.

TRUE: The penultimate episode did feature the Cybermeh. And they were pretty easily defeated by James Cordon’s love power. Fortunately this was not, as it sounds, some Barberella-style sci-fi sex scene.

To the untrained ear, it may seem as if the cybermeh are being reffered to as “cybermen” throughout the episode, but if you listen carefully, they’re not.

SPOILER: The new series of Dr Who ends with Matt Smith ‘degenerating’ into William Hartnell. The series then loops from episode 1, series 1.

TRUE: But not yet. This happens in the next series.

SPOILER: the new series of Dr Who results in the spin-off series: Dr Why, Dr Where, Dr Huh? And Dr What’s In This Sandwich?

TRUE: Well, this was the plan at the time. Pilot episodes of all four spin-off series were produced under the helm of Russell T. Davies. But the BBC declined to take them further as they all took a very simple idea and padded it out, seemingly forever. For example, the plot of “Dr What’s In This Sandwich?” features a timelord in an alternative dimension who awakes one day to find the entire population of Earth can no longer eat sandwiches. Is it because of the sandwich filling? What IS in this sandwich? After endless running around and lack of character development, it turns out that no one really knows, but it’s alright really. Or they were imagining it. Or maybe someone left the Breville on. Or something. Who cares? Let’s just get this shit over with.

The sandwich is full of nothing.

SPOILER: In the news series of Dr Who the actress Karen Gillan will be replaced by a sheep.

Annoyingly, the sheep will also end every sentence BY SHOUTING!

TRUE: Sort of. Our source saw a relative of Dolly the sheep being smuggled into Karen Gillan’s dressing room by Doctor Who staff. But they were not planning to replace her with it. Instead they were studying the cloning methods to produce an exact replica of Karen Gillan who actually could act and didn’t have to shout ALL THE TIME!

SPOILER: In the new series, Dr Who finds his sonic spanner and sonic spirit level which he left in the sonic toolbox in the sonic shed.

TRUE: This happened off-camera during the Doctor’s 200 year tour of the universe and will be seen in flashback in a subsequent series

SPOILER: The main story arc for the new series follows Rory’s quest to fill the TARDIS full of rice.

TRUE: This is such a great idea that I’ve convinced myself it actually happened.

SPOILER: The Doctor misses K9 and constructs a new robotic assistant – K2, the mechanical mountain.

TRUE: This was in a very brief cut-scene as part of the Doctor’s 200 year tour of the universe. Blink and you’d miss it. And you’ll also be sent back in time by Weeping Angels.

Don’t. Blink.

SPOILER: The Doctor travels back to the 1990s and joins The Boo Radleys. With disastrous results.

TRUE: The Doctor’s adventures with “The Who Radleys” also happened on his tour of the universe. But “What happens on tour, stays on tour”. Hence we weren’t shown it. See above.

SPOILER: The ‘Big Bad’ in the new series is Steven Moffat. It’s a sort-of Deus Ex Machina thingy. Whatever that is.

TRUE: Though it hasn’t been revealed yet. Next series we will learn that the ultimate question that has been asked since the beginning of the universe is, “Who is Steven Moffat?” And the answer is “That bloke, over there”. At which point Steven Moffat will stride out of the fog and reveal a new form of concentrated super-Dalek who are only three inches tall and instead of saying “exterminate”, say “hibernate”. They are also covered in spikes and played by hedgehogs This is mainly just to annoy the fans.

SPOILER: Amy is a ghost. Rory is a werewolf. Dr Who is an alien vampire timelord.

TRUE: The BBC is making this deleted episode into a cutting edge interactive “yoof” video game for the BBC Micro. It was originally to feature in the series but was cut in favour of the wonderful episode, “The God Complex,” as there were concerns a prime-time audience might see the main characters’ transformation into fantasy creatures as “mythological correctness gone mad.”

SPOILER: The Master returns. He is a chef. He cooks pan-fried scallops with pea puree and pancetta.

TRUE: This is happening right now on Celebrity Master Chef.

SPOILER: Rory’s plans to fill the TARDIS with rice are derailed as The Master keeps using it for stuffed peppers. Amy’s disappeared.

TRUE: Amy DID disappear, didn’t she? Before “A Good Man Goes To War”. Hmm?

SPOILER: After the mid-season hiatus, Amy returns. But due to a terrible accident, she is now played by Bonnie Langford.

TRUE: Ish. Our source had actually seen Karen Gillian made up to look older for “The Girl Who Waited” and had gotten confused. Easy mistake to make.

SPOILER: An entire episode is devoted to River Song going fishing. She catches a tench.

TRUE: This spoiler is actually much cleverer than you gave it credit for. The Tench is also know as “The Doctor Fish”. And in the final episode Riversong married The Doctor and so could, in a slightly sexist way, be said to have “caught’ the free-wheeling time and space explorer.

So there.

SPOILER: The Master wins Masterchef. The next stage of his evil plan is to open a Michelin-starred restaurant.

TRUE: This is how Celebrity Masterchef will end in 2011.

SPOILER: The Doctor travels to 1955. He plays “Doctorin the TARDIS” at the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance.

…”Hey Justified! It’s your cousin, Marvin! Marvin Ancients-Of-Mu-Mu?! You know that new sound you lookin for? Well, listen to this!”

…On his return to 1985, Huey Lewis still thinks The Doctor’s band, The Pinheads, are “too darn loud”.

TRUE: Well, it happened in Back to the Future. Sort of. Same thing, innit?

SPOILER: At the finale, Rory finally fills the TARDIS with rice, pours it out, weighs it, and concludes “it’s bigger on the inside”.

TRUE: This is one of the many things that happened in the alternative universe in the series finale. But it happened off-camera. You know the bit where Rory is waiting for The Silence to break in? There’s a shot of him. And then a shot of The Silence smashing the door down. Well, whilst the camera’s looking at The Silence, Rory nips off, fills the TARDIS with rice, pours it out, weighs it, and concludes “it’s bigger on the inside”. Then he comes back and looks scared until Amy shoots everything.

Okay?

So there we are. My spoilers were all absolutely correct. I only have one new spoiler regarding the Christmas Special:

Bill Bailey plays Ill Ailey: an ill ailing alien. The Doctor gets him a Lemsip and tells him to wrap up warm and drink lots of fluids.

And I have one regarding the next series:

Peter Kay returns as Abzorbaloff and quickly discovers he is actually a mutated form of Kaled, genetically engineered by Davros. He is distraught and spends the remainder of the episode stumbling around shouting, “Dalek Bred!?”

Follow me on twitter at @jim__holland for all the latest Doctor Who spoilers as I get them. But until next time…

Keep Doctorin!

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